Why some children put their needs second

Generous and helpful children might seem like every teacher’s dream, but their people pleasing habits could be a warning sign, says Cath Hunter...

Challenging behaviours are often easy to identify, but subtle cues, such as the child who is over compliant or puts her needs second, can be of equal concern. There are a variety of reasons why a child may develop this behaviour and it can usually be traced back to a point when she was very young. When a baby is left crying in her cot for a long time, or ignored or ridiculed, this can result in her internalising a negative view of herself. If a baby has been neglected and not had some of her basic needs met by a caring adult on a regular basis (such as being fed), she learns that her needs do not matter and becomes quiet and withdrawn.

Children who live in families where there is domestic violence or frequent conflict between their parents or other adults may learn to placate the situation or attempt to diffuse it. Drug, alcohol or mental health issues also impact on parents’ ability to be emotionally available and this can result in children feeling overly responsible for others at a young age.

In school, these children may appear to be very kind, thoughtful and helpful. On the surface, these behaviours appear positive, but their responses to situations can become emotionally unhealthy.

For example, you might notice a child who brings in a bag of sweets to school and gives them all away to other children without having any herself. In this situation it can be useful to acknowledge the behaviour – for example, “It’s really kind of you to let Amy go in front of you, but it’s important that you have a turn at being first in the line, too.” This provides a positive acknowledgement of the behaviour to the child, but also reminds her that she is important as well. Some children may try to buy friendships with others by giving them things, being overly helpful or accepting bullying behaviour. These children can present as lacking in confidence and having low selfesteem, but equally may appear to be confident. The underlying feeling for these children is often “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve.” For these children, other people’s feelings and needs are always more important than their own and they may struggle to think of what they would like or need.

Helpful to a fault

Here is an example of a child that I have worked with who was a typical example of a people pleaser.

Marcus, aged nine, was a delight to have in class. He was always eager to help and would frequently offer to do jobs for his teacher. He was very easy-going, never had conflicts with the other children and always let other people go before him in games and activities. His class teacher had no concerns about his behaviour until she saw him giving away the prize he had just received in assembly for 100 per cent attendance that term. She talked to Marcus about this and he insisted he didn’t want the prize and said, “It will make Jake really happy if he has a new pencil case.”

There are several possible reasons for Marcus’s behaviour:

• He was the oldest of five children and was used to giving his things to his siblings and looking after them when he was at home.
• His parents had a volatile relationship involving lots of conflict, resulting in his dad frequently buying presents for his mum to repair the relationship.
• He had learnt at an early age that other people’s needs should always come before his.

When children have experiences like Marcus, it can be very difficult for them to develop a strong sense of themselves and to know who they are and what they want. What’s more, they will continue to behave in a way that is familiar to them as change is uncomfortable.

In this instance, I suggested to Marcus’s teacher that she gently identify and focus on encouraging him to experience feeling good about the qualities he has. This needed to be managed carefully as he had learnt to measure how he felt about himself by how much he pleased other people.

The teacher started a book of positive things about Marcus and each day she identified one thing that he had achieved - for example, doing well in a spelling test in class. I suggested she emphasised to Marcus that he had achieved this by himself. This would help him to realise that good feelings can arise from within and not just from helping or giving to others. Gradually, Marcus began to develop selfesteem and a positive sense of himself, enabling him to understand that his feelings and needs were just as important as other people’s.

Powerful messages

When children who have learnt their needs are not important become adults, they might choose to ‘rescue’ other people by becoming overly involved in their care, or end up in an abusive relationship. They have a distorted sense of reality and can feel responsible for situations and circumstances that are not their fault. Feeling that “everyone is angry with me, I need to make them happy” means they will let other people make their decisions for them.

To prevent this from happening, children who behave like this need help from a caring adult to enable them to change their behaviour. School staff should try to be aware of children who are overly helpful, persistently want to do jobs, or always give in to their classmates’ needs.

There may also be times when a teacher notices a child who takes responsibility for something that wasn’t her fault – such as owning up to a breakage caused by another pupil. It is important that school staff make these children feel special by stating their needs and providing lots of choices at regular intervals throughout the day – this will enable them to identify and voice their own wishes. They might only be small choices, such as “would you like a red or a green pen?”, but they will make a difference.

School staff can deliver powerful messages to children who have learnt their needs do not matter, and the role these messages have to play in helping young people develop emotionally healthy ways of being should not be underestimated.

Words of encouragement

What to say to children who put their needs second…

1 “It’s really important that you get an apple at break time as well.” - Using words like ‘important’ can be a useful way of validating a child who is not used to being acknowledged or seen in this way.

2 “It’s lovely that you are kind to other children, but it’s good to be kind to yourself too.” - This message reinforces the importance of nurturing yourself as well as looking after other people.

3 “Thank you for being so helpful, remember we all need help sometimes, so you can ask for help too when you need it.” - This acknowledges the child’s effort but gives the message that he does not have to be self reliant and do things for other people all the time.

4 “ You were so thoughtful when you helped me put the books away, but we need to make sure you have your playtime too.” - This response acknowledges the child’s value and the importance of him having time to do things he enjoys as well as helping others.