What do I say to a bereaved child?

If you’ve ever been at a loss of what to do when a pupil has been bereaved, the most important thing is to be there, care and listen, says Dr Katie Koehler...

Sadly, the commonality of bereavement among pupils is matched only by our reluctance to broach the subject. Many adults find death difficult to discuss, we fear using the wrong words or ‘making it worse’. But unfortunately bereavement will happen; one in 29 school-aged children is bereaved of a parent or sibling – essentially one child in every classroom.

Children tell us that the way people at school react when someone close to them has died stays with them forever. So we can be anxious to ‘get it right’. But what the vast majority of children actually need is very simple. They need to feel that the adults around them are concerned and care for them, and they need to feel listened to and understood.

It is less about having the exact words to use – there are no magic phrases appropriate for every child – it’s more about knowing the child concerned, and ensuring that you have created an atmosphere in which she feels safe to share her thoughts and feelings and to express her emotions. Here are a few suggestions to gently broach the subject:

1 “I understand something very sad has just happened in your family”

It is crucial to acknowledge the death, but without making the child feel like she’s being put on the spot. Often people don’t even mention what has happened for fear of upsetting the child. By acknowledging the death you are opening the door for her to say as much or as little as she likes, and for you to gauge her understanding of and feelings about it.

2 “Would you like me to tell your friends?”

Ask the child what she wants. Some will want their friends to know what has happened and others won’t. This demonstrates to the child that you have anticipated a possible dilemma and it highlights your desire to help.

3 “What would you like me to say to your friends?”

This question helps the child to feel in control at a time when life may seem somewhat chaotic and can stimulate further discussion, helping you identify the language the child has been given to explain what has happened. It’s also an opportunity to use age-appropriate and honest language. Terms such as ‘dead’ are far more helpful than euphemisms such as ‘lost’ or ‘gone away’, which can be confusing.

4 “Is there anyone who you would like to talk to about it?”

It may be that the child would rather talk to another member of staff, or not talk to anyone at school. Be sensitive, and offer her somewhere to go where she can escape the demands of the classroom. Some children just need the opportunity to have some time out when they feel upset, angry or exhausted.

While there will be children who want to talk about what happened or how they feel, others won’t, and we need to respect their individual differences. Sometimes just the structure, routine and normality of school can help them feel secure. But when a child indicates she does want to talk, here are a few simple guidelines that may help you feel more confident:

• Go at the child’s pace and allow her to guide the conversation.
• Answer questions honestly, and don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know, but here’s how we could find out”.
• Remember that children’s reactions will change over time as they develop. They will revisit their grief as their understanding of the implications of the death matures.
• They may need reassurance that grieving is normal, and that whilst it doesn’t go away, over time they will learn to live with it.
• Also, let them know it is good to have fun and that they do not need to feel guilty about it. Having fun doesn’t mean they have forgotten the person who died.

You can find more helpful resources at childbereavementuk.org, or head to elearningschools.co.uk for Child Bereavement UK’s e-learning programme for schools called ‘Supporting Bereaved Pupils’. Also try elephantsteaparty.co.uk for free resources including a bereavement app and several films which gently introduce the concept of death into the primary school classroom.

About the author

Dr Katie Koehler joined Child Bereavement UK in 2011 as Assistant Director of Bereavement Services. Katie is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist who worked with children and families within the NHS for 20 years.