The behaviour test: arguing girls

Someone said something to someone else – and now the war of words is threatening to spiral out of control. Is it your problem, asks Paul Dix?

The girls have fallen out again. You suspected things were not going well when you heard the phrase ‘double special best friend’ and witnessed a sequence of ‘storming off’ performed with tempestuous accuracy in the playground. Periodic light sobbing now seeps into the atmosphere of your otherwise rational classroom. Girls who were sworn BFFs are now separated by a chasm of hurtful looks. As you try gently to uncover what may have been at the root of the argument you see that the other children are starting to take sides. If you don’t act quickly a seemingly minor spat could turn into a cold war, with parents lining up to demand that you ‘sort it out’ and lengthy emails that will try to shift your allegiance.

So, what’s your response?

A Get involved

Aiming to stamp on the problem before it gets worse, you keep the girls in at lunchtime for some intensive circle time and try a quick repair, searching for the root of the problem and attempting to reframe and reinterpret what has happened. The idea is to show the protagonists that it is just a blip, not a catalyst for all-out conflict.

B Force the issue

Instead of allowing the girls to ignore each other for the rest of the day you manipulate the grouping for the next lesson so they are forced together. You plan to engineer the session so that they can be seen as a successful team, enabling them to work through their social problems with a focus on the learning.

C Take the long view

Emotions are raw, and it doesn’t look like the situation is going to get better on its own, but there’s a nagging feeling you could waste more time talking about it when tomorrow morning the wind might have changed and everyone will be friends again. So, even though you may not need it, you schedule in a 10- minute restorative meeting for tomorrow after school.

If you chose:

A Get involved

As the girls file in at lunchtime all thoughts of a quick resolution are immediately challenged. The rhythmic sobbing has given way to raw, weeping anger. Usually intelligent girls seem incapable of rational thought. Your urgency to ‘get things sorted’ is immediately at odds with the lengthy narrative that explains every nuanced look, tut and whispered comment. The highlight of the meeting, which rapidly descends into namecalling, is Chantelle’s assertion that ‘my mum says I should slap her or she’s going to’. You realise that parents have already been informed of the problem thanks to the miracle of mobile messaging (and the flagrant disregard shown for school rules by Chelsea and her new smartphone). You begin to feel that the silent hostility was preferable to this new skirmish. The girls’ emotions are running wild and getting involved too quickly may have fuelled an already explosive situation.

Talking behaviour

> Do you have a responsibility to help the girls patch up friendships?
> Are arguments in friendship groups just part and parcel of school life?
> What do you say to parents who have been informed during the day that there has been a problem that you would otherwise not mention?

B Force the issue

As you move the class to the hall for a drama lesson you try to suppress your smugness. After some quick warm up games you cunningly engineer an activity that leaves the five girls unwillingly grouped together. The scene that they have been given to devise is revealed… and immediately a tussle breaks out during which the pen is claimed by two of the girls and the ripped planning sheet by three others. Even after your gentle and encouraging intervention it is clear that you are going to struggle to celebrate their achievements. You decide to gamble and use the group as an example of work in progress, in hope that in front of an audience they will be forced to concentrate on the work above the argument. As you turn your back to ask the rest of the class to gather the lid blows off. Milly swears that she screamed ‘Snitch’; Chardonnay heard differently. Holly is holding a piece of Fatima’s hair, Laura has guilty scissors and Mollie is sporting a board marker pen slash from ear to ear. The rest of the class is forever grateful to you for the afternoon’s entertainment – but you have now made a private problem a public farce.

Talking behaviour

> Are there any behaviours that are better addressed in public?
> Can you use an activity to mend trust between squabbling children?
> When is the right time to get involved?

C Take the long view

Complaints predictably pour in during the moments before school. You forgo all early morning caffeine to talk to parents, reassure children and convince the over-concerned head that you have everything in hand. It looks as thought you are going to need your restorative meeting. And it will need to go well, too.

You know, however, that such a meeting isn’t merely a prelude to the children apologising. It has be a genuine conversation that rechalks the lines of acceptable behaviour and repairs damage. You structure it in six steps:

1 What’s happened?
2 What was each party thinking?
3 Who feels harmed and why?
4 What has each party thought since it happened?
5 What behaviours will each of us show next time?
6 Reaffirm your commitment to building a trusting relationship.

You use a simple button to control turn taking, and speak to the girls carefully about negative verbal or non-verbal responses. The meeting ends without fanfare or apology and everyone leaves for the day. The next morning things are ok. You have no idea if your meeting has had the desired impact or if they just woke up friends again but no matter. You have your lovely class returned to an even, rational state and you have another strategy for when the boys decide it is their turn to fall out, forever!

Talking behaviour

> Where else could you use the 6-step restorative meeting?
> If everything is all right again the following morning is it best just to let sleeping dogs lie?
> If the same argument blows up again next week should you use the same approach?

Which approach did you use?

A Your behaviour style:

Jeremy Kyle

Your urgency is misplaced, and your style too provocative, too hurried. With emotions raw you are likely to do more harm than good. Conflicts between these girls are already complicated enough. Your role needs to be more patient, considered and kind. Sit back on the step Jeremy, you are making things worse.

B Your behaviour style:

Bad Improv

Learning time is not for social experimentation; the children who are not feuding deserve better. Your involvement needs to be more private and better planned. Improvising interventions on the hoof is rolling the dice with their emotions and your dignity.

C Your behaviour style:

Easy tiger!

You are wise to the ebb and flow of relationships within the group. You realise that making a big deal of every argument is exhausting and wasteful for everyone. You know that a wellexecuted restorative meeting does not always deliver immediate results – yet a calm, controlled and stealthy approach will always bear fruit over time. You protect your relationships with all of the children by remaining dispassionate and independent as they practise being grown ups!