Boosting children’s self-esteem

Author:
Cath Hunter
Main Subject:
CPD
Subject:
Behaviour Management
Date Posted:
18 October 2013

Using reflective language to accept and validate children’s feelings can have a positive impact on their behaviour, and gives you the chance to gently explore what may be happening in their lives, says Cath Hunter...

One of the biggest challenges facing primary school staff can be dealing with children’s behaviour in a way that has a positive impact on them, is not detrimental to their selfesteem and enables them to make realistic changes. In these circumstances, reflective language, which explores the possible reasons behind a child’s behaviour, is a useful tool for any member of staff.

Reflective language clearly communicates to a child ‘I see you, I hear you, I am trying to understand you’ and enables them to feel seen, heard, valued and understood. It validates and acknowledges the child’s experiences and feelings along with building confidence and selfworth. It can also develop selfawareness, self-control and resilience, which are all essential ingredients for emotional wellbeing and engagement with learning.

Providing positive messages to children

The use of reflective language is a subtle way of providing positive messages to a child and an opportunity to tentatively explore what may be happening for him. For example, you might say, “It can feel frustrating when we get things wrong” to a child who has been struggling to do something or has made a mistake. This is particularly helpful to a child who lacks resilience as it normalises his feelings. It’s a way of commenting on behaviour that builds a connection and develops a relationship.

By using reflective language, adults are providing children with a positive message: ‘You are worth thinking about and trying to understand. I am trying to help you to work out how you feel and support you with understanding and managing your feelings.’ It can be beneficial to use reflective language rather than always reprimanding children or telling them what to do, because it acknowledges and validates the child’s feelings and experiences. It enables adults to gently explore the child’s experience without making judgments or assumptions – it is about checking out, rather than making statements.

Enabling children to ask for help

When children have learnt selfsufficiency at a young age they may try to manage on their own.

This is because they have learned that it’s not OK to ask for help or, if you do, no one responds. A reflection such as, “You may need some help from an adult with this, and I can help you if you would like me to” provides the message that sometimes children need help from an adult and it is acceptable to ask for it. It enables the child to have the choice and decide whether he needs help, rather than the adult controlling the situation and deciding for him. It can be useful to say “help from an adult” as a generic term rather than “help from me” as this reinforces that they can ask other people for help if they need it and gives the message that it’s acceptable to ask. This can help to reduce any feelings of anxiety and fear that the child may be having. It is also useful if children see school staff asking for help, as this can be very liberating. For example, “I’m going to ask Mr. Bell to help me with the display because everyone needs help from other people sometimes.”

Acknowledging your own feelings

School staff can be positive role models for children when dealing with and articulating their own feelings during the day. This is particularly important for children who may not have this demonstrated to them outside of school - for example, a child who sees her dad punch the wall when he is angry, rather than voicing it. School staff can use regular opportunities to admit and acknowledge their own mistakes: “Even grown-ups get things wrong sometimes.” And, when appropriate, they can also comment on their feelings (“I felt cross when the photocopier was broken.”) or difficult times (“It’s raining again and that can be frustrating when we were looking forward to doing PE outside.”)

The use of reflective language has a positive impact on both children’s emotional wellbeing and their behaviour. Some children may find it difficult to express their feelings and may have learnt that it is not safe to do so. Their anxieties may manifest in their behaviour, for example a child who is unable to sit still or is always fiddling with something. It can help if his feelings and behaviour can be identified and acknowledged in a gentle and supportive way, rather than reprimanding him for not being able to express or manage his feelings. For example, “I can see that it’s really difficult for you to sit still and relax until you know what we are going to do.” This reflection may enable children to manage their anxieties more easily.

Affirmative responses

When a child feels an adult is trying to help and understand them, he may start to feel more positive about himself, therefore enabling him to make changes to his behaviour. The use of reflective language within schools encourages a sense of safety and security rather than fear and anxiety. If a child is able to have his feelings accepted, acknowledged and validated without judgment or reprimand by an adult, he learns that all feelings are acceptable and this can impact on his behaviour in a positive way. When a child’s behaviour is explored in a gentle and reassuring way by using reflective language, it provides him with an opportunity to begin to acknowledge his own mistakes and gradually learn to start taking responsibility for his actions. These are small but essential steps towards learning about choices and consequences and, ultimately, making positive changes to behaviour.

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

When to acknowledge children are not responsible…

Kyle, age 6, regularly arrived late for school and often looked tired, anxious and disheveled. There is a history of domestic violence in his family and his mum finds it hard to cope with him and his two younger siblings. His class teacher is aware that he lives in a stressful environment and that he finds it difficult to walk in to the class after everyone else has arrived. She says, “Morning Kyle, it’s nice to see you. I can see you look tired, are you OK? Here’s your book, we’re on page 27.”

This response immediately reduces Kyle’s anxiety and he looks relieved as he takes the book from her. He feels seen and understood as she has commented that he looks tired and checked how he is. This enables him to settle and engage more easily with his learning as he feels his teacher has acknowledged him in a gentle and reassuring way, rather than reprimanded him for a situation that he is unable to control.

Main Subject: CPD
Subject: Behaviour Management
Date Posted: 18 October 2013