Behaviour management – the Clint Eastwood way

The next time Ryan thinks about refusing to come in after break, he’ll have to ask himself, ‘Do I feel lucky?’, says Kevin Harcombe...

I have recently been invited on a residential conference to “learn about leadership through Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’!” Firstly, I dislike the use of an exclamation mark in a desperate attempt to dress up the irredeemably dull. Secondly, in a toga I am unlikely to look statesmanlike but more like someone wandering around in a revealingly short hospital gown having just had the pre-op for a colonoscopy. The scathing depiction of the plebeians in Shakespeare’s play is, as Andrew Mitchell found out, likely to land me in hot water, and, finally, I have a not unreasonable aversion to being assassinated by close colleagues. I have declined the invitation. The best thing about any residential is networking with colleagues and having time with your own leadership team – we do not often need consultants or facilitators to help us with that.

Amongst educational gurus (they call themselves ‘gurus’ because ‘charlatans’ is too hard to spell) there is a growing trend to ‘hang’ leadership training on well-known fictional or historical leaders. A cynical observer – okay, me – might say this is because their ideas are otherwise so vacuous they couldn’t possibly justify the ludicrous cost without dressing them up a bit. Henry V’s Saint Crispen’s day speech (“Once more unto the breach, dear friends…”) might well be an appropriate inspirational oration before a life-or-death battle against the French, but when taking bottom set Y6 – even on a wet Wednesday afternoon when they’ve been cooped up all day – might be considered a little OTT by, well, sane people. Moreover, Julius Caesar and Henry V never had to make sure their food policy was up to date or meet pupil attendance targets, so I’m not sure their leadership strategies would help much in crucial aspects of running a modern school, unless you have plans for a KS2 invasion of Gaul. However, money is money and I do have several of my own ideas for lucrative consultancies. ‘DT Secrets of the Pharaohs!’ might be a good money-spinner and ‘Performance Management: How the Third Reich Did It!’ is sure to get government backing. By the way, I think those exclamation marks add excitement, don’t you?

The one I am currently working into a two-day residential is ‘Good Behaviour Management – The Clint Eastwood Way!’ The method is based on extensive research into films where Clint Eastwood encounters persistent and severe behaviour problems and solves them once and for all in the course of just 90 minutes. Now, I admit, my research methods were not actually classroom-based. They were sofa-based and involved beer and kettle chips, but I still think this idea might run – rather like the baddies in Clint’s movies. Never again would Gavin, in Y5, stubbornly refuse to come in from the playground if you embraced ‘Good Behaviour Management – The Clint Eastwood Way!’ As with all behaviour modification methods there are stages. Having grown a rough-looking, three day stubble (come on, girls – you know you can!) you commence at Stage One and fix Gavin with a mean stare, then, if need be, narrow your eyes menacingly beneath your cowboy hat. If this fails to have the desired effect, simply go to Stage Three and take a drag on the cheroot glued to your bottom lip, while (Stage Four) your classroom assistant whistles “oo-ee-oo-ee-ooo - - wah wah wah!” as an accompanying musical theme to add atmosphere. In 80% of cases this will be a sufficient deterrent to undesirable behaviour without you ever having to go to Stage Five and threateningly raise the Winchester rifle from the saddle of your horse tethered outside the staff room. Needless to say, rifles should never be a part of any behaviour policy, at least not until they have been thoroughly risk assessed. Book your place now!